Looking Back – Day 12

Today is Day 12 of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Twelve – October 12, 2010

Looking back 10 years ago today…

I see a pig with an apple… but that’s not the full story. (You’re starting to catch on, aren’t you!) The full story is hinted at in the original post on Day Twelve by a comment made by my husband, Doug ~ HERE

When my family sees a pig we see my Dad. And although the above is an “appropriate” image that might come up in relation to apples, it is only half of what inspired this pig. My Dad does not have AS although there are a few “things” that show perhaps he has some of the markers and genetic possibilities to have had AS get triggered. I mention this because he has the exact heart issue that some people with AS get.

About 15 years ago my Dad had to have open heart surgery to replace his aortic valve and it was replaced with a piggy part! Pigs are revered in my family – my Dad turned 76 this year and he’s amazing! He got a very strong pig valve apparently because he’s vital and still works full time (much to my mother’s dismay).

So… this little piggy… was created in honor of my Dad and all ASers and others who have had a successful aortic valve replacement!

If you have AS or a form of Spondylitis, please read the information about heart issues related to the disease and make sure your Rheumatologist and PCP are educated.

Much love until the story continues tomorrow!

Looking Back – Day 11

Today is Day 11 of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Eleven – October 11, 2010

Looking back 10 years ago today…

I remember the worry about a small stomach bug that was hitting my family during my visit. People with autoimmune disease and especially people on biologic drugs that weaken our over active immune systems know that even a small stomach bug can escalate quickly. So I was concerned and tried not to worry about what might happen and just enjoy the small amount of time I had to visit with my niece and nephew before getting on a plane home to Colorado. The years of being so sick take a toll and leave deeply embedded trauma. Those pesky what if’s started in my mind once again.

  • What if I flare?
  • What if I don’t have the right medication with me if I do flare?
  • How would I get those meds if I needed them? [this also leads to time spent thinking about those possible scenarios]
  • What if I have to spend the rest of my vacation in bed?
  • What if…. what if….. what if…

Guess what? The bug passed and we had a great day making cookies together! All that worry.

Shifting to today in 2020 I wish I had known then what I know now. That worry is actually part of the issue. It’s part of a very complex puzzle. If A.S. were a puzzle it would be one of those gigantic room sized puzzles. Have you seen those?

Yes… spondylitis is a puzzle like this one and I was determined to piece all together. I think 10 years ago I was maybe a quarter of the way there. Today I’d say I’m 3/4 there and I’m so proud of that and most of that progress started just in the last year believe it or not – I’ve been taken by surprise by this! Please don’t think there can’t be continued progress even if there hasn’t been much of any in a few years. Things change, new information comes available, a new physician can open up new possibilities.

Piece by piece, with determination things can get better. Some of that happens because you find treatment that helps, some is from all the small things you incorporate into your life to find your own unique balance point, and some is because you just get used it it. {this is hard to hear when you are first diagnosed but it does come in time}

I say my puzzle is only 3/4 the way done because there is no way to predict the future. I could go from my current state of remission to back to where I was 20 years ago where I was basically bed ridden and there is no rhyme of reason what might set that in motion. And there are some whose puzzle is much larger and more complex then mine and they might stay and 10% “figured out” their whole lives. I don’t want to discourage anyone but it is the unfortunate honest truth.

So I live for today and give thanks for the good moments and I stay focused on the things I can do that I have found that help me stay in this “remission” as long as possible because I know I’m extremely fortunate – which is why I try to talk about this disease – to help raise awareness of this complexity.

I hope everyone with health issues can find the pieces of their unique puzzle and put it together in a way that gives them as much joy and life as possible. My heart aches for all who suffer from any horrible painful disease or cancer or difficulty. I am in awe of the strength of the human spirit to hang on and endure.

Much love,

To see my original eleventh post from 10 years ago click here or on the image above.

And the story will continue tomorrow…

Side Note: You will notice if you follow along day to day that as time progresses my apples and the post topic often start to relate. Today I wrote about the puzzle of A.S. – inspired by the image. On day 11 in 2010 I hadn’t really made those connections yet. I find this interesting upon reflecting today. xO

Looking Back – Day 10

Today is Day 10 of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Ten – October 10, 2010

Please start by reading the original post – here.

My reflections looking back 10 years are mostly reminiscent of standing in the kitchen of my parents home and coating a sliced apple with paint. If you’ve followed for the past 10 days you know it wasn’t an easy start to this endeavor but this apple was another necessity. A beautiful simple apple to lead me to another day.

Shifting to today in 2020 this apple reminds me that sometimes art is finest in its most raw and simple form. An artist who has the ability to show restraint and pull back the urge to stay in the creative process is one of the most difficult to master. I LOVE being in the flow of creativity so my current work tends to be very expressionistic and involved. Restraint is not something I’ve worked on at all in my creative life but this apple now reminds me that I should contemplate that a bit more.

This leads me to thinking about how the chaos of our world can be detrimental to our health. During this time of the pandemic I have had to eliminate outside stimulus as much as possible because the high emotions, fear, and anger affect me powerfully. When I get into a state of heightened agitation, it leads to anxiety and stress. And there is absolutely no way to separate the fact that anxiety and stress make autoimmune disease worse. For me, much much worse. I’ve had to develop skills and find techniques to be more at peace to self protect. I promise to share all these tips this year but I’ll leave you with a very key one today.

Notice when you begin to spin in something that is upsetting. I call it spinning – your brain goes over and over [something] and you can feel the wind up inside – the tension – the desire to “vent.” Venting is fine and often healthy but for me I needed to do it less. Until I started to be able to recognize when I was spinning I was destined to stay agitated, anxious, and in a state of high tension. The spinning could be anything – maybe it was the neighbor leaving the trash can out for days, or someone implied that I could afford to lose a few pounds, and on and on – it didn’t matter, my body wanted more of the same unhealthy state. I realized that yes, those things are annoying but how I reacted was in my power. My spinning was really bad and I’m not sure what woke me up to the fact that when I went into that mode, everything in my body got worse and depending on how much I worked myself up – the flare could be extremely bad and last even longer. Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that once you work on reducing the spinning and anxiety/anger/stress that you’ll be well. I’m saying it is one tool, one aspect of a larger picture, that helps bit by bit to build on a path to a better place. I still spin, I just recognize fairly quickly now that I’m doing it and I shift out of it as quickly as possible. Food for thought I hope.

This leads to a much more simple approach to life – like this beautiful day 10 apple.

And the story continues tomorrow…

Looking Back – Day 9

Today is Day 9 of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Nine – October 9, 2010

Looking back 10 years ago today…

I decided to take Elizabeth’s idea from the day before and line up a few apples on the windowsill at my parent’s house on Vinalhaven Island in Manie where I was visiting. Watercolor is always my fallback medium – I learned in college and being a pisces I guess I prefer to paint with water!

To see my original ninth post from 10 years ago click here or on the image above.

And the story will continue tomorrow!

Looking Back – Day 8

Today is Day 8 of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Eight – October 8, 2010

Looking back 10 years ago today…

I was on vacation and apple making was getting tricky. I almost chucked the whole plan on the first day of the second week. This was the third time in 8 days I had almost quit before I had really gotten started. I was barely 2% done so if I was going to quit, now was the time. I could make some excuse! I could blame my health – that thought did occur to me and it seriously pissed me off. But… it was causing strain and I could see that it would only build. It was the end of the day and I was in Maine with my family and I wanted to visit and drink a glass of wine. I didn’t want to create. And I was again completely blank.

Our dear family friend Elizabeth was there and she and my folks along with Doug via the phone encouraged me to do something in 5 minutes.

“Do something, anything!” they cried, “Just see what you can do in 5 minutes and then decide.”

They were very devious. They knew what I did not. They knew I could create something beautiful even if extremely simple. And, they were right. And so… the project continued with this apple I called, “Spiraling Out Of Control” because that is truly where I was. The good news is that after this apple I started to hit a groove and the inspiration and ideas started coming a bit easier for a stretch which was a huge relief. The creative blocks would continue periodically but this apple gave me courage and faith that I could always come up with something!

To see my original eighth post from 10 years ago click here or on the image above.

And the story will continue tomorrow!

Shifting to today in 2020 I wanted to share some thoughts on creativity and chronic illness. I find being creative is a muscle that needs to be worked to be in good shape and the year I created my apples was very eye opening for me in this regard. The artists I most admire are constantly creating and even though I had my BFA I never really understood this – it wasn’t something we discussed in art school. The past year and a half after spending a few years as a Real Estate broker I once again found myself having to reevaluate my life because the strain of 24/7/365 of that career was too much. I wondered why I had turned away from my art (I know the answer now and you will find out by the end of this retrospective) but I had taken my life once again away from this gift. Once I realized that I was feeling the urge to be creative again and our studio apartment was vacant – I decided to throw myself back into it full time.

THIS time I knew that I had to create and create and create. My year of apples was about making all those art pieces look as different as possible – to add interest to the project and hope people would be tuning in to see what I had created next.

THIS time my goal was to find ME. Just me. I had never worked to find my style, my way and what it really requires is basically a full year of constant creativity. Many of my friends have been following me this past year as I post to my Instagram and Facebook and lo and behold – after almost exactly a year – I showed up! Now I feel so confident that my art speaks my soul and if you see my current work you know it’s a Jennifer Visscher! Part of the reason I could take this next year to look back at the apples is because it comes with the clarity of where I am today, both creatively and frankly, spiritually. That has evolved leaps and bounds over the past couple of years and turning 50 last year also contributed.

If there is something you wish to accomplish – give yourself a year. It’s amazing what can happen when you dedicate yourself to something for that period of time and please, don’t let Ankylosing Spondylitis or anything else stop you. xO

Looking Back – Day 7

Today is Day 7 of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Seven – October 7, 2010

Looking back 10 years ago today…

I had just traveled a full day from Colorado to Maine and travel used to be extremely difficult. During the crisis years it was virtually impossible but 10 years ago I could manage with lots of pain meds, now I can travel fairly well (no more prescription pain meds – whoopie!) but back then it also required a great deal of rest to recover from the strain to my body. I had started my apples knowing I had this trip planned to visit my family in Maine and I was going solo which added to the degree of difficulty. To this day, Doug is my champion caregiver – always carrying the bags and keeping a watchful eye. But I made it and I was determined to figure this apple thing out. My apple that day was appropriate – they were already placed up upon a pedestal. In one weeks time they held huge significance, they were becoming a journey to health and symbols of personal redemption. I’d placed them way, way, up on a pedestal and that meant that anything that might go wrong could lead me to a grand disappointment. Oh hindsight you fascinating thing you!

As you will begin to see, my apples take on a life of their own and they greatly mimic what’s going on with me personally. The next few apples follow along with my trip to Maine as you will see this week.

To see my original seventh post from 10 years ago click here or on the image above.

And the story will continue tomorrow!

Side Note: I want to make it clear where the daily apple will be posted. I’m obviously posting here but they can also be found on the Apples For AS Facebook page and on their very own Instagram page! Some days I will share them to my personal Facebook page and you are welcome to friend or follow me there too – I love new friends!

Looking Back – Day 6

Today is Day 6 of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Six – October 6, 2010

Looking back 10 years ago today…

I see an image that I’m not proud of but I would have a few of those over the course of the year. Some days it would just be important to clear the day for things like I did on Day Six – to travel and some days the trudge was such an epic marathon that I needed a break from the intensity. Most days I devoted almost a full day to the process. And like ten years ago there will be times I don’t carry the original story forward much – like today.

To see my original sixth post from 10 years ago click here or on the image above.

And the story will continue tomorrow!

Shifting to today in 2020 I wanted to share with you my current website and personal Instagram! Today I cleaned my studio so if you head to my Instagram you can see the messy space and then the picked up one. It was very needed and overdue. (click here to see my studio)

I used to have a bed in the corner where there is now a big white chair and ottoman. It was for guests if I needed extra space but it was also for me. Bending over a table to paint is hard on my neck so I get up and lay down sometimes. But now it is time to move away from that for many reasons and a comfy soft chair (even with a heating pad still is all I need – hooray!)

This chair and ottoman were a gift from my Mom before I received a diagnosis of Ankylosing Spondylitis. Doug and I were newly married and living in the San Francisco area so our money was extremely tight. We only had a very hard sofa and I was just starting to really fall apart physically. Mom bought us this chair and ottoman and a sofa – it was a Godsend. I’ve had the set for about 20 years now and they are well used at this point, the right arm on the chair slipcover is threadbare, but this chair means love and comfort. I can’t think of a better place for it to now live than in my studio.

Looking Back – Day 5

Today is Day 5 of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Five – October 5, 2010

Looking back 10 years ago today…

I woke up so relieved I had survived Day 4! But here I was again and I realized I had better come up with some plan to spark inspiration or I’d be burning the midnight oil far too often and I’m a bed by nine kind of gal!

Thankfully I had received my first request two days earlier. My friend Sandy was in the midst of Breast Cancer treatment and wondered if I could create a pink apple for her. My first thought was, “wait, aren’t these apples for AS awareness? is it ok that I create one for Breast cancer?” And just as quickly as the thought entered my mind it was replaced with, “I’m creating an apple for Sandy” because of course I would!!! (Her request is on Day One in the comments)

If you click to see my original post for Day 5 you will see that the October 5th apple did not end up being Sandy’s apple however… I did create one you will see later this month!

Shifting to today in 2020 I’d like to share some thoughts on resting. I rest my body most afternoons from around 4pm until the time I feed my dog Lucy and cat Bittie, typically around 5:30pm. Obviously there are days I can’t do this but if I’m home and finished with my work I do. It’s a habit that helps me manage the resources of my body and disease. In my 30’s and 40’s I didn’t want to share with people the amount of time I needed to rest because during the crisis years it was a LOT. Now, it is about maintenance and balance and really, it’s habit too – now I’m writing my daily post while I’m laying down which makes me VERY happy.

Taking the weight off my spinal column for a bit before making dinner or doing evening activities really helps me enjoy my time at night with my husband and if I go too many days without this schedule I can feel the difference so this is part of my approach to maintain as healthy a life as possible. I’m active and move in the morning, I am productive for the day, I rest for a bit late day, I enjoy my evening, and I get to bed early. The list of things I do to be as healthy as possible is long and it has been developed over the last 15 plus years. Getting a diagnosis and being put on medication isn’t a magic pathway to remission – it takes work and exploration and then it takes more of the same and an openness to adding new items to the list as new approaches are tested. In fact, I’ve had more success in reducing pain and fatigue just in the past two years than any year prior and that’s because I continue to explore new things.

If you hear someone say that something helps them, consider trying it out. I add something new one at a time as much as possible so that I can evaluate its effectiveness. This isn’t a one and done type of disease – it takes a multi-pronged approach and it takes a lifeboat (more on the lifeboat at a later date) and it takes flexibility of thought and attitude. Beware of people who say something doesn’t work because that is ONLY their experience. I’ll share all of my long list as the days go on but today’s tip is rest mid day (preferable lay down to take the weight off your spine) because your back will thank you and if you flare – shut it all down full stop. Flares mean something is really not going right and rest is the first prong of flare fighting.

And the story will continue tomorrow…

Side note: My friend Sandy is cancer free and doing great!

Looking Back – Day 4

Today is Day Four of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Four – October 4, 2010

Looking back 10 years ago today…

It only took me half the day this time to come up with my apple idea – this was progress! Or… so I thought.

Unfortunately, I bit off more of the apple than I could chew ~ baahhh!

My inspiration came as I thought of those cool images that were all the rage about 10 years ago where little tiny photos created a mosaic and created a larger image… so with sticking with my 5″ x 5″ rule for my apples I decided I needed 20 rows high by 20 rows wide or a mere 400 tiny, itsy bitsy pieces cut out from magazines. Piece of cake!

I’m laughing thinking about it now but this apple almost broke me. For real.

On day four.

I was probably 3/4 done at 10pm when my husband Doug returned from his business trip. He walked into my studio space. saw me in the midst of one heck of a mess, hair in a bun, a glass of wine (I’m guessing) by my side because I was frantic at that point.

I HAD to post before midnight or I had failed without even making it a week.

And this lovely man who had married the vivacious me, watched me fall into the pit of poor health, be ridiculed and cast aside by doctors, gone to appointments with me to be my advocate, helped support me while we found answers, and saw the devastation the pain wrought… this man, rolled up his sleeves and started searching for the colors I needed in the magazines and then started cutting them out and helping me get it done.

This apple represents everything this project is and was (chaotic, glorious, painstaking, detailed, and full of love) and because of that and all the pieces that we were so persnickety to find and place – it is my favorite of all the 365 apples.

And… I got it posted just in the nick of time (and it wouldn’t be my last just before midnight finish)!

To see my original forth post from 10 years ago click here or on the image above.

And the story will continue tomorrow!

Side note ~ As I post these retrospective thoughts I hope I’m making it clear to new and old followers what is going on. Doug (my husband) read my post from yesterday and was thinking I was talking present day. I’ve added some clarification language in the post title [Looking Back – Day ___] and adding “Looking back 10 years ago today…” before I start the reflection post. I hope that helps.

Also, I’m writing the backstory now – for myself – because I need to clarify a lot of this in my mind and I want/need to revisit it all. This is my story – it is for me. If you wish to read – I love that but I have no anxiety or hopes tied into this year as I did 10 years ago. There will be a lot of honesty and a mea culpa here and there but as many know the last few months of the project were met with a lot of controversy that I never addressed. I need to address the story to move forward and between now and then I hope there is also new and interesting information about A.S. and my journey these past 10 years sprinkled throughout. xO

Looking Back – Day 3

Today is Day Three of the Art Apple A Day Retrospective – for information on the project click here.

Day Three – October 3, 2010

On the evening of day three I got my first few comments on my blog – that was a thrill!!! My super sweet brother in law, Jim, and my friend Sandy were the first two and then the strangest thing happened… a stranger commented… now it was really real. And this is the moment I realized I would be experiencing so many emotions throughout this process and I had barely touched my toe into the water but I could begin to imagine and dream about the ripples.

These lovely people took time to learn what I was doing and then took more time to comment. I was so very touched and grateful but I also got immediate stage fright! The movie Field Of Dreams famously made the phrase, “build it and they will come” famous but now that I was building I had to actually follow through. No backing out now!

The stage fright was like writers block. I spent and entire day waiting for inspiration. I waited, and waited, and waited. And nothing came. (this is a repeated theme you will see me go through) because as I made more and more apples I wanted to match something to say with the image – I wanted to be clever! I was fighting my ego already on day three – woosh I was in trouble…

To see my third post from 10 years ago click here or on the image above. I didn’t post much more than a couple sentences. Sometimes this was all I could manage and on only my third day I hadn’t yet gotten into the writing aspect of the project but as you will see, I definitely start getting into the writing almost as much as the apple creating!

And the story will continue tomorrow!